I’m still falling. And failing. I cannot seem to remember what on Earth I did two years ago to motivate myself to keep losing weight. Today I sit here at approximately 190 pounds (that’s what it was last Friday when I weighed in). It’s the same weight I’ve been since Christmas, give or take a few pounds.
The thing is, I have so much supposedly motivating factors to lose weight. From going to the beach with friends this summer, to not wanting to look like a fat giant in a bridesmaid’s dress in about a year… and finally, to just not wanting to look at a weight that starts with a 2. I feel fat again. I feel sluggish, and my clothes don’t fit as well. I’ve let bad habits creep back in and nestle in the nooks and crannies of my subconscious.
When I last wrote in November, I felt like my mindset needed to be jolted into a previous version of myself that really did want to live its best life, eat better, exercise consistently, look better, feel better, and be happier. I tried different diet plans that focused more on mindset. I tried to read a book on intentional eating. I considered a nutritionist; I talked to my doctor. And I wanted to write more about my goals, my thoughts, my roadblocks, and my successes. But I didn’t. Because being in the right mindset and wanting to be in the right mindset aren’t the same.
I feel defeated. Stuck. Incredibly consumed in can’ts and didn’ts. And I guess I’m letting myself feel this way without much hope of changing anytime soon. My self esteem has plummeted to the point where I honestly couldn’t list 5 things I like about myself these days. I can’t even list one physical thing I like about myself.
If I were my own close friend, I would give myself a little grace and then some tough love. I’d say, You’re human. You’re busy, and overwhelmed, and sometimes deserve the comforts of a few handsful of chips or the reward of sampling one of the eclairs you just baked. BUT GIRL, SNAP OUT OF IT! You are better than this. And while you deserve a treat now and then, you don’t deserve to live in this incredibly deep rut you’ve single-handedly dug for yourself. So it’s time to put on your big girl shoes, clip yourself into a harness, and climb the F*** out. And then fill that rut with cement so you can’t dig into it again. Stop copping out by pretending to be weak. You’re not weak. And you’ve done it before, so you are capable. You owe it to your past self who invested so much time, money, and devotion to get to a healthier state. And you owe it to your future self who deserves to be there again. You’re smart enough to figure out how to do this, so figure it out. And I can help! I can give you encouragement. I can celebrate your victories and help you reflect on your shortcomings. I’ll check in on you. But I forbid you from throwing any more pity parties. And I forbid you from throwing in the towel. If I can offer you one ray of sunlight at this point, it’s that, despite your currently shortcomings, you have not given up. And it’s that determination that assures me that you WILL reach your goal.
Yeah, she’s a good friend, huh? Wow. I feel better now. Maybe I’ll start writing letters to myself more often.
The Skinny on Jen 